Starting Fresh? Or maybe not.

So can I be honest? I think I can because I don't really know why I couldn't. Life sometimes SUCKS! It really does. It's a new year. There should be an excitement that comes with that. We're starting over - fresh even. Last years mistakes are learning experiences...and we can get excited for new learning experiences...with better expectations...because we're wiser... and... blah blah blah....

Yeah, I'm not feeling it. I don't know why either. I did so awesome at the end of last year. I had amazing work-outs (huge results) and was eating right and being positive, I wasn't letting many things that were out of my control affect my attitude...so this year should start off great, right?? I should be really proud of myself. But I feel drained and old. How does that happen?? It came on over night, it really did. I woke up and was like, "nah, life can suck it". Here comes some venting.... It's more to put my thoughts in order.

It could be because I got onto a medication and the doctor told me a side effect is bone density loss. Not cool, but I don't usually have side effect problems so I didn't think it'd be a huge issue. He told me to up my vitamin d and calcium intake which I did. It's been SO hard on my stomach and I think my bones are rebelling. I get a shot every 3 months and I'm on my second round and wouldn't you know it, about a month ago my body started aching something FIERCE. I feel like it's deteriorating... And I think this is how arthritis feels like...but everywhere... My heart felt wishes go out to all with arthritis... When I pick up anything over 5 lbs, it feels like my wrists are going to snap. I was lunging a couple weeks ago and I hear this "snap" sound...I go straight to the ground and couldn't put any weight/pressure on it..  It wasn't pretty (me, not the knee). I iced it, there was no swelling or bruising and 2 days later it felt fine - still sore and I have to be super careful with how I step on it... Then, I attempted to do push ups ON MY KNEES the other day and I got a muscle cramp... What is that about??? I feel so pathetic... Is it worth it?? I just don't know. I started taking glucosamine with my vitamins so maybe this will work out. I've been eating really healthy so I should be getting the nutrients from that as well though. Maybe I should up my vitamins even more?? I just don't get why my body would reject my efforts like this. I feel like I'm two people and there's an inner war going on here! Mental vs Physical - who will win?? I want to work out and feel happy!!! Can't we all just get along??? So vent 1 - feeling a bit stressed/drained without being able to use my workouts as a stress reliever and I don't have control over my body... Grrrr..... But, being positive, here's a saying that is true. Hard to remember but it's still true...

Another part of it could be that I'm going to be moving AGAIN and I really hate moving. Stress....stress....stress....stress....stress....But I also hate where I live now so this is good... There's just so much cost involved in the actual process and then there's re-budgeting so you can afford everything (internet, utilities, rent, deposits, etc). I have roommates but I desperately want to go solo... So there's much planning and organizing to be done. And we all know that  no matter how much planning you actually do, so many unexpected things come up. It takes so much time... Plus other people's time... And you're pretty much guaranteed to eat crap for a month because you're packing and unpacking and lifting and moving up stairs, then going down stairs and back up stairs and climbing up trucks and down trucks... and then lifting even more.... AND to add to the stress, the month before is my car registration. And the month before that is taxes. NOOOOO!!! :( It all happens so fast. Needless to say, I'm not handling the stress very well. I'm working a lot of over time to try to prepare for everything but that just makes me more tired and I hate to think it but I'm pretty sure I'm about to get hit with a sinus infection in the next 24 hours. Oh no... So I need to de-stress pronto!!

So now that I finally got all that CRAP out of the way... I'm going to try really hard to turn this terrible attitude of mine around. I don't like feeling this way. Normally I'd have a super amazing workout to get all the negative thinking out and it has always cleared out any congestion when I start getting sick. Such a nice bonus. But I can't do that. So I need to get my minimal and carefully controlled workouts in, take care of how I fuel my body, and change my freakin thought process. *sigh* But in all honesty, when you see all these really thoughtfully positive messages like this one here, do you ever just want to throw darts at them?? Maybe print them out and have a huge and amazing bonfire?  No, no, no! We're going to be positive here... Overwhelmingly positive. Fake it until we make it. I can do this.




So here's what I need to focus on:
1)  MANY AMAZING THINGS CAN HAPPEN THIS YEAR.
2)  I've still been able to keep my healthy diet on track. YAY!!
3)  I'm up for a review so possibly getting a nice fat raise?? *crossing fingers*
4)  My body can get used to the shot and I'll be able to workout like normal - it could happen. And then the benefits of the shot AND my workouts will make my life amazing. I just need...PATIENCE...
5)  My new place could be the most amazing thing ever - a sanctuary even. My current home and housemates SUCK! So this is a very good thing. I just need to STAY FOCUSED so I can live independently. It will be worth it if I can make this happen.
4)  Life is so temporary. Things can suck one day and be great another.
5)  It's in my control on what and how I think!!!





So to stay on track - I need to:
       - Remember to BREATH
       - Focus on happy things.
       - Take the dog on longer walks
       - Write more in my blog (it really is pretty therapeutic)
       - Tell myself everyday that I am an amazing person - full of potential and strength
       - There's always Yoga. Yoga is fun, challenging but easier on the body and is mentally therapeutic. Good things come with Yoga.

Well, it's a start. I'm sure things are going to turn around. Sometimes it just takes a tiny bit of belief. I need to believe everything will be ok and make the things I can't control a tool I can use. Right? I can do that.