Starting Fresh? Or maybe not.

So can I be honest? I think I can because I don't really know why I couldn't. Life sometimes SUCKS! It really does. It's a new year. There should be an excitement that comes with that. We're starting over - fresh even. Last years mistakes are learning experiences...and we can get excited for new learning experiences...with better expectations...because we're wiser... and... blah blah blah....

Yeah, I'm not feeling it. I don't know why either. I did so awesome at the end of last year. I had amazing work-outs (huge results) and was eating right and being positive, I wasn't letting many things that were out of my control affect my attitude...so this year should start off great, right?? I should be really proud of myself. But I feel drained and old. How does that happen?? It came on over night, it really did. I woke up and was like, "nah, life can suck it". Here comes some venting.... It's more to put my thoughts in order.

It could be because I got onto a medication and the doctor told me a side effect is bone density loss. Not cool, but I don't usually have side effect problems so I didn't think it'd be a huge issue. He told me to up my vitamin d and calcium intake which I did. It's been SO hard on my stomach and I think my bones are rebelling. I get a shot every 3 months and I'm on my second round and wouldn't you know it, about a month ago my body started aching something FIERCE. I feel like it's deteriorating... And I think this is how arthritis feels like...but everywhere... My heart felt wishes go out to all with arthritis... When I pick up anything over 5 lbs, it feels like my wrists are going to snap. I was lunging a couple weeks ago and I hear this "snap" sound...I go straight to the ground and couldn't put any weight/pressure on it..  It wasn't pretty (me, not the knee). I iced it, there was no swelling or bruising and 2 days later it felt fine - still sore and I have to be super careful with how I step on it... Then, I attempted to do push ups ON MY KNEES the other day and I got a muscle cramp... What is that about??? I feel so pathetic... Is it worth it?? I just don't know. I started taking glucosamine with my vitamins so maybe this will work out. I've been eating really healthy so I should be getting the nutrients from that as well though. Maybe I should up my vitamins even more?? I just don't get why my body would reject my efforts like this. I feel like I'm two people and there's an inner war going on here! Mental vs Physical - who will win?? I want to work out and feel happy!!! Can't we all just get along??? So vent 1 - feeling a bit stressed/drained without being able to use my workouts as a stress reliever and I don't have control over my body... Grrrr..... But, being positive, here's a saying that is true. Hard to remember but it's still true...

Another part of it could be that I'm going to be moving AGAIN and I really hate moving. Stress....stress....stress....stress....stress....But I also hate where I live now so this is good... There's just so much cost involved in the actual process and then there's re-budgeting so you can afford everything (internet, utilities, rent, deposits, etc). I have roommates but I desperately want to go solo... So there's much planning and organizing to be done. And we all know that  no matter how much planning you actually do, so many unexpected things come up. It takes so much time... Plus other people's time... And you're pretty much guaranteed to eat crap for a month because you're packing and unpacking and lifting and moving up stairs, then going down stairs and back up stairs and climbing up trucks and down trucks... and then lifting even more.... AND to add to the stress, the month before is my car registration. And the month before that is taxes. NOOOOO!!! :( It all happens so fast. Needless to say, I'm not handling the stress very well. I'm working a lot of over time to try to prepare for everything but that just makes me more tired and I hate to think it but I'm pretty sure I'm about to get hit with a sinus infection in the next 24 hours. Oh no... So I need to de-stress pronto!!

So now that I finally got all that CRAP out of the way... I'm going to try really hard to turn this terrible attitude of mine around. I don't like feeling this way. Normally I'd have a super amazing workout to get all the negative thinking out and it has always cleared out any congestion when I start getting sick. Such a nice bonus. But I can't do that. So I need to get my minimal and carefully controlled workouts in, take care of how I fuel my body, and change my freakin thought process. *sigh* But in all honesty, when you see all these really thoughtfully positive messages like this one here, do you ever just want to throw darts at them?? Maybe print them out and have a huge and amazing bonfire?  No, no, no! We're going to be positive here... Overwhelmingly positive. Fake it until we make it. I can do this.




So here's what I need to focus on:
1)  MANY AMAZING THINGS CAN HAPPEN THIS YEAR.
2)  I've still been able to keep my healthy diet on track. YAY!!
3)  I'm up for a review so possibly getting a nice fat raise?? *crossing fingers*
4)  My body can get used to the shot and I'll be able to workout like normal - it could happen. And then the benefits of the shot AND my workouts will make my life amazing. I just need...PATIENCE...
5)  My new place could be the most amazing thing ever - a sanctuary even. My current home and housemates SUCK! So this is a very good thing. I just need to STAY FOCUSED so I can live independently. It will be worth it if I can make this happen.
4)  Life is so temporary. Things can suck one day and be great another.
5)  It's in my control on what and how I think!!!





So to stay on track - I need to:
       - Remember to BREATH
       - Focus on happy things.
       - Take the dog on longer walks
       - Write more in my blog (it really is pretty therapeutic)
       - Tell myself everyday that I am an amazing person - full of potential and strength
       - There's always Yoga. Yoga is fun, challenging but easier on the body and is mentally therapeutic. Good things come with Yoga.

Well, it's a start. I'm sure things are going to turn around. Sometimes it just takes a tiny bit of belief. I need to believe everything will be ok and make the things I can't control a tool I can use. Right? I can do that.

Time Flies - Life Lessons in August

It's the end of August. Can you believe it?? It's been such a crazy year. I'm still working out!! Struggling with eating healthy but I'm really trying. I've been sick for 3 weeks and that always makes it hard for me to get the energy to get up and make food. Last month my nephew and niece were here from Tennessee and that threw off my whole budget too. I've been playing catch up for awhile but I've also been super happy!

Today I hit a snag. Energy dropped BIG TIME. So I got dressed in my workout clothes but didn't want to work out.

A friend of mine who has really been working hard on self improvements in his life (including being sober) has just posted an awesome reminder that we are not alone. Because what he wrote is exactly how I feel today!



He wrote:
"Sometimes I get that feeling of being stuck and wanna give up. That's when I take a moment to reflect on where I've been and how much I've accomplished! In that moment it gives me the courage and motivation to get back to focusing on today. In turn I can then look forward to the surprises and accomplishments the future holds. I have to remember though you can't dwell to much on the past nor plan too far into the future. You're not gonna go anywhere unless you are enjoying your life, having fun along the way and living in the now."




So looking back, there were several "accomplishments" I have done.

1) I got hung up on a boy that treated me like crap, not like a person but like something expendable. And I really, really liked him which is a rare thing for me. I had a hard time letting him go. I know he's been going through a lot of shit in his life but I tried to deal with it and probably made excuses for him to act the way he was. But it ate me up pretty rough. I pretended like I didn't care which might have made it worse. I admit that I started exercising as a way to deal with everything bad in my life but also to prove that I could be as pretty as the girls he's been around. I felt alone, stuck in a rut, really unhappy with who I was and what I looked like. I wasn't even fat, just unhappy. The exercising became a form of therapy. I started getting the natural highs that come with it and it's beautiful. Eventually, I did stop caring about his actions.


2) Work sucks! Everyone at work is miserable. And pretty much all my friends are co-workers. There's a few friends not from work but I rarely see them. So I started getting drawn into the drama's of my co-workers, whether it was work related or something in their personal lives. I had nothing else in mine so I borrowed their problems. Some of it was TOO much. I would go over to someone's home completely happy and leave in tears. So I had to turn that off. I realized a lot of their drama reminded me of my past and that I can't hold onto that!! I've dealt with my issues. The exercising gave me a focal point and has helped a lot by keeping me busy and I'd get a rush but after awhile, I started getting worn out and "rutted" because all I was doing was exercising. So I started paying attention to a couple of people on facebook that were working really hard on a "gratitude attitude". It's made a huge difference. I started looking for tons of saying that I wanted to be me. I started taking the good and would shrug off the bad. It's been really amazing!! One day, someone posted something about not needing validation because she's a strong and independent woman and at the time, I didn't feel like that... I was working to get recognized and I wasn't getting it. So that struck a nerve. I want to be able to hold my head up high without anyone giving me approval but myself. For a couple of months, that's all I've been working on. I changed positions at work. I started standing up for myself. When I feel down, I remind myself that I'm beautiful, funny, smart, energetic woman and I don't need anyone telling me that I am. I already know I am. So the same friend who posted that and who's had a huge impact on me wrote the following to me: I'm always grateful for your free spirit, nonjudgmental, crazy self!! Its funny because once again, my view has 

been altered by such a simple statement. I'm always so worried how someone "sees" me. I shouldn't care. I do want people to like me...but I AM a free spirit. I have a damn good time when I stop caring about what other people see in me. I like being different. I like standing out.  I have my own way and it's beautiful and happy. I make people smile. I can lift up other people and NOT be thrown off or under by their sorrows. I've also come to realize, that most of the time I don't know what other people are seeing when they look at me. I always think the worst. That their judging me, looking down on me. But that isn't the case the majority of the time. It turns out, I just need to have confidence in myself. In doing that, I've met a lot more people and I am having so much fun again. I can feel myself really growing as a person. 

3) I've also started opening up to the idea of dating. I've been hit on by quite a few people in the last couple weeks. But it's so great, I finally feel like I have some power over this part of my life. Power over the way I view it. I've never "gotten" it before. Relationships scare me. So much. I've always felt pressured to be happy and to make them happy and what if I'm settling...so many things. I admit, my family has been in some pretty rough places. But with my new found wisdom, I realize that I don't need to feel bad if a guy likes me and I don't like him back. That might sound funny to some people, but I've always felt like shit when I let a guy down. I don't need to. And some of these guys are really persistent. I'm extremely honest though. I feel like I'm still learning a lot about this and I let them know that I'm not in a place where 

I feel like I could commit to being with someone just yet and that they could do what they will with that but to not expect anything from me except a good friend who wants to enjoy life. 
But also, the reverse advise to myself. I don't need to feel like shit when someone's not into me. It's life. When it's right, it will be right and until then, I don't want to "force" a relationship or force myself to feel something I'm not ready to feel. I've done that and it was miserable and everyone ended up in pain. I feel free right now. When I'm out with someone, I let things happen and when I feel like he's going somewhere I'm uncomfortable with, I let him know. It's been an amazing experience so far. For once in my life, I don't think dating sucks.... I am open for possibilities but I'm also super great with me being alone. I just want to go out and enjoy the world with people. Learn more, evolve more, and be happy.  

Life really is amazing. I've learned so much about myself in the past year. It's all things I already knew, but sometimes we lose track of those things and we need to re-learn them. That's where I'm at right now. 

I feel like I'm in control of my attitude and am able to handle problematic things so much better. I've let a bunch of stress go and it's AWESOME!! Plus, I'm just loving my body and who I am. I'm not talking about being skinny or fit, but being happy in my skin! I realize that it's my choice. I can let things bother me or realize that 90% of what comes at me isn't that big of a deal. It's just a speck in time that after awhile won't even be second thought. 

Breaks - why it's important to keep record

I'm pretty sure that nobody reads this. However, I don't care. I started blogging to keep myself ACCOUNTABLE for my habits and they have gradually started slacking. BUT, not as bad as I originally thought. I got through 2.5 challenges of BodyRock.TV workouts and I learned a lot about myself.

1) Too much exercise without food is bad. I wore out. Started eating healthy but forgot about keeping in some healthy carbs and focused ONLY on proteins... BOTH are needed!! I lost a lot of inches really fast but they came back when I crashed. :(

2) I did the dirty dash 2 weeks ago and had SO much fun. I actually hadn't been running for about 3 years but with the interval workouts I had been doing, it came really easy and I ended up doing the 10k instead of just the 5k. Woo hoo!! 

So point being, doing things you should be doing makes you stronger than you realize! :)

However...

3) I'm not as strong arm wise as I thought. Time to challenge myself a bit more to get a full body strengthening!! I did great going over the first 2 walls but by the third, I tried and my arms said no. Totally used all leg strength (I'm super flexible so I put my legs up and then pull up using them, no upper body at all required).... that's not challenging, it cheating!! But since then I have decided to go across the street to the kids playground and use the monkey bars for pull ups and I'm happy to say, I can do 6 without a break and 10 with a couple rests between... So I am getting better.

4) Everybody needs motivation. I have to do this alone, but that's always been my life. That's why I've decided to blog. I always do things differently, and that's ok. I've got the tools to self motivate. Everyday I need to remind myself that I'm strong, beautiful, and have the ability to light up a room with my smile. I have every reason to be happy. I don't NEED anybody telling me that I can do amazing things. I can and I will. I will succeed. I will make this life beautiful, regardless of who's by my side and who is not.

So I'm on day 10 of the 21 day Boot Camp challenge and am mixing them up with some ZWOW challenges, also on the internet. No time to quit!! Great workouts. Love them. Moving into a new and hopefully better department at work. Focusing on figuring out which eating habits are best for me and my workouts... Of course cooking comes with that (new fun recipes). Learning how to keep my garden green and growing. Enjoying the family a lot more these days.... Will be organizing my home space soon.  There's lots to do. :)

Do it when you don't want to...EXERCISE!!

Today was great. I woke up early and got so many things done. I saved my workout for the end though and that may have been a mistake.

I got up early, had a great breakfast and took the dog for a walk. He wasn't excited like normal though so I was a little worried. Then he wouldn't leave my side. He's either depressed or sick. He has thrown up 3 different nights this week but I thought it was because the baby keeps feeding him. More on that in a minute.

I went grocery shopping at Costco and also at Albertson's. Got healthy food for the week!

Went to my moms, my brother was there so I got to play with my nephew's and niece and after he left, we had a healthy and delicious dinner with my sister and mom. Successful.

Came home and tried to pickup my dog and he yelped as if I had tried to rip off his leg. I wonder whats wrong. I hope it's just a digestive problem but I'm worried. After I tried to pick him up, both back legs were shaking. :(

But on the bright side, I did get my workout in. Felt sick the whole time but I did it. I ate a healthy amount of food and there was about 75 minutes between eating and working out so I wonder what's wrong with me. I'm glad I got through it though. Wasn't my best but it's over and tomorrow is a new day!

Today's motivation:

One challenge down! More to come

Yay! Earlier this week I finished the bodyrock.tv.com 30 Day Real Time Challenge. IT FELT AWESOME! I wanted to blog about it the day I finished because honestly, I haven't had a goal to work towards other than making it through each day for quite sometime. It was a beautiful feeling. And although my MCL is still really sore, it felt great the day I did my last work out. I took care of my knee by doing older videos and instead of working on a quicker pace with good movements worked on quality movements and it killed me!! I was sweating so much more. Its hard work!! But then the last day challenge, day 30, that was a killer workout and I did and my knee felt so great! That's the way to do it.

Its funny. I find my self sad to be done with that challenge. Now that it's over, it felt like it went so fast.

But I was talking to my sister-in-law, Jamie, and it turns out they did the 30 Day Catching Fire Challenge. WHAT??? So that's my next move. But it's funny, it's only 12-15 minutes of a workout and has two trainers and they do it TOTALLY different from what I was doing. I love the 40-50 minute workouts and I love Lisa who was doing this challenge. She's amazing!!! Half way through, I get so revved up and she really does push you. I feel like I know her. She sings and goes off on these absolutely funny things and she's just so great. These other workouts go really fast so I did the first one today but I was trying to get down the movements and didn't feel like the first set was all that...physical. More mental. But then I restarted it and got it down and it was hard.  I decided because I miss Lisa and took off a couple days extra this week to reboot my body and mind to also do the 15 minute 21-day Boot Camp Challenge. I think that's going to be good for me. I'm used to the longer workouts but I'm also changing it up a bit with the other challenge so on certain days I'll do both. I'm excited.

I've gone through 30 days and I'm seeing HUGE changes both in my body and my mind. For anybody to quit after 1 or 2 weeks of working for this would be CRAZY!! Seriously, week 3 & 4 were awesome. Today my pants are loose, my skin is getting tighter and my muscles are saying hello!

I still need to work on my diet... That's always been my problem. I grew up eating bacon cheeseburgers, french fries, onion rings, pizza and chinese food. Oh, and can't forget the super fast mac n cheese. I don't get tired of eating those things. But I have noticed that because I'm eating so much more healthier food and really making the effort to be conscious of what goes in my stomach and how often that I'm getting sick off the bad foods. My body tells me it doesn't want it now. My poor taste buds really fight for it though. The other day I would've killed for a cheeseburger from Astro Burger. Instead I ate grilled chicken breast and a spoonful of peanut butter with an apple. MMMMM... I've decided to compromise though. Everything is ok in moderation. So if I eat healthy, get my workouts in and drink the amount of water I need and STILL have insane cravings after a day of doing everything I can, I will get a small portion of what I used to eat. Like kids size portions!! But I have to have a bottle of water and something super healthy with it - like a salad. I mean lets face it, giving up carbonation for me (DR PEPPER, I LOVE YOU) was hard. I see people drinking these beautiful dark drinks and I can taste the Dr Pepper. I've had 1 in 3 weeks. That's amazing!

I'm going to make this the best year ever. Positive thinking! Positive action! I'm getting stronger, healthier and happier. I just need to keep going! I love seeing the Body Rockers that put their pics up, especially when they've gone for more than 60 days. After 30 days there are changes that you can definitely see but more than 60 days, those changes become big when you don't quit. I'm excited for when I get to post my "progress pics". I keep that in mind when I start to get tired or need motivation or if I'm not seeing the changes because I get used to what I look like NOW. In the next 30 days - I will have gone for 2 months and I'm going to post a 30-60 day pic and then in 90 days! HELLO!!! I think I can be patient for the body I'm building in 90 days. I can do this. Anybody can.

Find your motivation

I got down to day 30 of the Body Rock 30 Day Real Time Challenge but have yet to do it. I re-tweaked my knee on Friday. It was having some bad days before but nothing like this.

I find myself sitting wrong at work because the chair is too low but I hit my knee on the desk if I put up where it's supposed to be.  Like literally, I've hit it maybe 6 times a day... so instead I over extend my MCL by sitting with my feet under my chair and it's putting so much pressure on my knee. It's been a problem since my days doing Taekwondo. I injured my ACL and I would just keep going without letting it heal.

When I started running, I'd over-compensate for my ACL and that's when my MCL started hurting, but even worse than my ACL injury. It's really bad when I try to go down something like stairs or when I hike down from the mountains. Going up is fine. Usually if I can get some squats in, it helps to strengthen it. This time I learned! I'm not going to push it, but I'm going to strengthen/stretch/ice and rest it so it can heal.

But it is so frustrating when you want to accomplish a goal and something like this happens. Plus I wanted to start running this weekend to get ready for the dirty dash and to be able to get a better focus that comes with running. Luckily it rained all day yesterday so I didn't feel too bad that re-injuring my knee didn't keep me from running, the rain did!

Not only did I feel frustrated from my knee but on Friday I got hit with some news that made me so angry, I just felt like I wanted to punch someone! Those are my favorite workout days because I get so much energy that I just go and go and at the end I feel like a million bucks. I also get focused!

My sister was in a really bad car accident last Wednesday. She lives in Tennessee. I don't hear from them very often but I practically raised her two kids. Her daughter, Chae, is my mini me. Her personality is me. I admit it, EVERYONE has a hard time with her because she's...well, she's me. She has all this energy and creative spirit and she thinks different from other people. Like me. Its hard to harness that and be productive. People want to put you on medicine that makes you something else. She needs to learn how to use all that energy and do things that makes her happy. Anyway, I'm getting side tracked. They were t-boned Wednesday night and it hit so hard that the DVD player that was attached to the seat in front of her detached itself and flew into her face. The hook went through her mouth and got lodged in but it didn't stop it from moving through her face up to her forehead, cut it right open...  Needless to say, she needed plastic surgery and has countless stitches both outside and inside her face...

The part that makes me so angry is that I found out Friday at 3:30 PM by facebook, while I was at work... Because apparently their army friends were concerned. This is what I see:
For anyone who has been trying to reach me over the last two days, I have been offline. I was in a car accident late Wednesday night. Everyone is ok, but Chaelynn has some deep lacerations to her face and we were sent to Vanderbilt to have a Plastic Surgeon stitch her up. We were released last night at 8:30 pm. Chaelynn is doing very well and she should be mostly healed by next week with very little scarring.

Well ok then. I see that I am a very important part of their lives. And guess what, nobody else in my family was notified. Not my mom, dad or my other sister who helped raise her kids and watched them while she was offshore in the army. NOTHING. I feel like I'm just a shell, not a person when I think about my family sometimes. I'm so happy they are fine but I'm so hurt that they don't care enough about me to actually talk to me. And maybe this is why I won't let myself be happy with relationships. I'm always ready for the let down.

Anyway, on to positive things. So I tried to workout Friday night but Day 30 looks like it's going to be really tough so I turned it off and instead iced my knee that night. Then Saturday I tried again but it's still hurting really bad. I also feel like the weights have become really easy so since I couldn't work out, I went shopping! I had 3 gift cards from a couple of Christmases ago so I got this beauty!!


 I was so inspired I had to workout. I did day 25 again. It's not as much jumping and because I know I've already done it, I just down-sized my movements a bit. It was awesome. The bar gave me a totally different core workout and I totally feel it through my whole body. Plus I really had to focus on how I was moving my legs so as to not agitate my knee. It was a challenge and I loved it!

Today I did day 26 again and my knee feels so much better. I didn't do as much jumping again but instead focused ONLY on the muscles, not so much cardio. It was AMAZING!! I was dripping sweat. I kept thinking about this:

My sister also said she saw something that said, 'sweat is fat crying". I like it!

Point of today's blog. Don't let things get you down that you can't control. The way we handle the situation is what we can control. I think it's going to be a great week! I get to end my 30 Day Real Time Challenge and start a new one while strengthening my body. I'm super excited. I'm also refocused on getting my diet in check. New goals!! So excited.

Day #25 - Real Time 30 Day Challenge (+playlist)