***Warning***This is long and a part of my more serious side***
So, many many wonderful things have happened for me this year and I've been truly blessed. I ended 2008 by going out to Tennessee with my sister Tam and spending Christmas with Janae, my other sister, and her family. Then spent a half day at work and from there headed straight to Disneyland for a New Years celebration which was more fun than I can write about! Went on a 7 day cruise to Mexico during Valentines and then to DC with my best friend in August! For a girl who never gets out, 2009 was seriously adventurous.
But then September hit and for whatever reason I started going down hill. Good things were still happening all around me; for one - my best friend became my roommate (and we've had some serious fun -ReAl soccer, Jazz game, Grizzlee's game, multiple great concerts and 5k's and the gym...yes the gym is fun). Then Tam got married and she's happy which makes me happy... Janae and her family came for an entire week for Christmas which made me ecstatic!! I got to see both my brothers at Thanksgiving and Christmas and got to take tons of pictures which I LOVE... I even got to go into a high tech batting cage used by a major league player and TRY to hit an incredibly fast ball which was incredibly funny. I was able to capture a family picture with both my brothers and both my sisters and seriously, that is a HUGE accomplishment and one I've been desperately wanting for over 7 years!!
But these things weren't enough and it didn't make sense to me that what I was WANTING was to be miserable, who wants that??? I've never in my entire life regretted anything that has ever happened to me. I may have wished for other things but never had regrets. For the first time, I realized that I was living with regret and I didn't know how to handle it.
So New Years came along and I went off to be by myself and I ate lots of junk food and lots of caffeine and I watched Michael Jackson music videos and then lots of movies and was very content in my loneliness. I went home at 2 on New Years Day and cried in my room. Then I slept for 16 hours. When I finally woke up the next day, I was trying to decide if I should be released from my calling as a Sunday School teacher (my favorite calling to have...). I was scheduled to teach THE VERY NEXT DAY and I had tried multiple times earlier that week to study my lesson but nothing was sticking and I know perfectly well that if I don't have the Spirit, I DO NOT TEACH. Oddly enough (or was it a coincidence?), the lesson was on "This is my work and my glory". The whole first section was on being a Child Of God and knowing who we are - one of my favorite things to study but at that moment, I wasn't feeling like a Child of God. I was feeling hurt and anger and dispare.
So I sat in my room with my manual, the Ensign, my scriptures and my phone and was planning my next move - call the sunday school pres or don't... I didn't want to call. I love teaching the gospel for many reasons but mostly because I know that God wants me too and a majority of the time, the class tells ME something I need to hear. It always makes me feel so good when I ask a question to a group of people and I feel the Spirit coming from the answers they give and I feel like I've experienced a mini miracle in that little act. It's amazing!! So remembering this fact, I decided to see what I can find in the Ensign about teaching because I wanted to teach...
I read a couple of articles. The January Ensign is so full of good things! While reading, I was touched and things were starting to stick mentally but I still didn't feel the enlightenment I was desperately seeking. Then my eyes came across Elder Holland's name... For over a year now, he's been one of my favorite speakers and his talks move me in super powerful ways; always saying just what I need to hear in just the right moment. But his talk was titled 'The Best Is Yet To Be' which is not what I was wanting to hear. I needed to hear about teaching so I scanned through the first part of the talk, not really paying attention but made a mental note to read it at a later time and then I read another article and again, nothing special. I flipped through the Ensign again, went to the first page to look at the 'contents' and my eyes rested upon Elder Holland's name but I picked another article to read and had the same experience. So I decided to read the article from Elder Holland - what did I have to lose?
Here's were SALT comes in to play.
Elder Holland chose to start with a caution from the Savior in Luke 17:32 which says, "Remember Lot's wife." I was intrigued because, truthfully I have absolutely no clue who Lot's wife is. Turns out she is a part of the story of Sodom and Ghomorrah which again, not familiar with the story. I know that Sodom and Ghomorrah was destroyed because of inequity of the people. Well God tells Lot and his family to leave and to NOT TURN BACK. When leaving, the wife does turn back and is turned into a pillar of salt. Elder Holland asks, "Just what did Lot's wife do that was so wrong? ...I have thought about that and offer a partial answer. Apparently, what was wrong with Lot's wife was that she wasn't just looking back; in her heart she wanted to go back. It would appear that even before she was past the city limits, she was already missing what Sodom and Gomorrah had offered her."
This is where I get struck by inspiration. I was upset that things weren't going the way I wanted them to go, the way they used to be...so I started pushing people away. The more I pushed, the more alone I started feeling, and then I started regretting that I had depended on other people to contribute to my happiness when I KNEW I'd be let down... then I became so upset at myself because what if I'd never be able to feel the happiness I had felt again; it would've been better to not have felt it at all so I wanted to completely wipe it away from my heart and memory but I can't and that was incredibly frustrating. Satan's lie to me was 'It's easier not feeling, nobody can hurt you that way'. I was listening.
Lot's wife looked back for this very reason and she was turned to salt. I WAS BEING LOT'S WIFE. I do not want to be salt! I want to be what God wants me to be. Obedient, happy, and optimistic to the future! With out even knowing it, my faith that God could give me someting better than what I had was diminishing. Right there and then, my goal has become to re-build my faith and trust and a great way of doing that was to TEACH THE GOSPEL AS I AM TAUGHT THE GOSPEL, through the amazing gift of the Spirit. I became very excited for sunday school and was extremely grateful that God brought me to my knees!
I went to church feeling so incredibly happy. I had a confidence in the gospel that I haven't felt in so long and I knew it came from my Father. Although my hands were shaking when it was time to teach, I felt no fear. FINALLY my will was aligned with my Fathers and my heart was purified through Him. He prepared me for that moment. During class, my eyes were re-opened and I felt His love for me and for those I was priveledged enough to teach, and the class returned it!! The comments that were said, the brightness in their eyes...OH HOW I LOVE THE GOSPEL!!
Elder Holland says to remember that "faith is always pointed towards the future." I know that my future is bright and I'm so excited for it. I will not allow myself to become salt by looking back, I will keep my faith going forward! I rejoice in my God and in the truths He gives us. I pray to never forget that He loves His children with no end. He will always be there to lift each one, He will always be there for me. Be strong, continue forward, AND BE HAPPY. This is the TRUE and LIVING gospel of Jesus Christ. All things are possible. Please remember.
