Time Flies - Life Lessons in August

It's the end of August. Can you believe it?? It's been such a crazy year. I'm still working out!! Struggling with eating healthy but I'm really trying. I've been sick for 3 weeks and that always makes it hard for me to get the energy to get up and make food. Last month my nephew and niece were here from Tennessee and that threw off my whole budget too. I've been playing catch up for awhile but I've also been super happy!

Today I hit a snag. Energy dropped BIG TIME. So I got dressed in my workout clothes but didn't want to work out.

A friend of mine who has really been working hard on self improvements in his life (including being sober) has just posted an awesome reminder that we are not alone. Because what he wrote is exactly how I feel today!



He wrote:
"Sometimes I get that feeling of being stuck and wanna give up. That's when I take a moment to reflect on where I've been and how much I've accomplished! In that moment it gives me the courage and motivation to get back to focusing on today. In turn I can then look forward to the surprises and accomplishments the future holds. I have to remember though you can't dwell to much on the past nor plan too far into the future. You're not gonna go anywhere unless you are enjoying your life, having fun along the way and living in the now."




So looking back, there were several "accomplishments" I have done.

1) I got hung up on a boy that treated me like crap, not like a person but like something expendable. And I really, really liked him which is a rare thing for me. I had a hard time letting him go. I know he's been going through a lot of shit in his life but I tried to deal with it and probably made excuses for him to act the way he was. But it ate me up pretty rough. I pretended like I didn't care which might have made it worse. I admit that I started exercising as a way to deal with everything bad in my life but also to prove that I could be as pretty as the girls he's been around. I felt alone, stuck in a rut, really unhappy with who I was and what I looked like. I wasn't even fat, just unhappy. The exercising became a form of therapy. I started getting the natural highs that come with it and it's beautiful. Eventually, I did stop caring about his actions.


2) Work sucks! Everyone at work is miserable. And pretty much all my friends are co-workers. There's a few friends not from work but I rarely see them. So I started getting drawn into the drama's of my co-workers, whether it was work related or something in their personal lives. I had nothing else in mine so I borrowed their problems. Some of it was TOO much. I would go over to someone's home completely happy and leave in tears. So I had to turn that off. I realized a lot of their drama reminded me of my past and that I can't hold onto that!! I've dealt with my issues. The exercising gave me a focal point and has helped a lot by keeping me busy and I'd get a rush but after awhile, I started getting worn out and "rutted" because all I was doing was exercising. So I started paying attention to a couple of people on facebook that were working really hard on a "gratitude attitude". It's made a huge difference. I started looking for tons of saying that I wanted to be me. I started taking the good and would shrug off the bad. It's been really amazing!! One day, someone posted something about not needing validation because she's a strong and independent woman and at the time, I didn't feel like that... I was working to get recognized and I wasn't getting it. So that struck a nerve. I want to be able to hold my head up high without anyone giving me approval but myself. For a couple of months, that's all I've been working on. I changed positions at work. I started standing up for myself. When I feel down, I remind myself that I'm beautiful, funny, smart, energetic woman and I don't need anyone telling me that I am. I already know I am. So the same friend who posted that and who's had a huge impact on me wrote the following to me: I'm always grateful for your free spirit, nonjudgmental, crazy self!! Its funny because once again, my view has 

been altered by such a simple statement. I'm always so worried how someone "sees" me. I shouldn't care. I do want people to like me...but I AM a free spirit. I have a damn good time when I stop caring about what other people see in me. I like being different. I like standing out.  I have my own way and it's beautiful and happy. I make people smile. I can lift up other people and NOT be thrown off or under by their sorrows. I've also come to realize, that most of the time I don't know what other people are seeing when they look at me. I always think the worst. That their judging me, looking down on me. But that isn't the case the majority of the time. It turns out, I just need to have confidence in myself. In doing that, I've met a lot more people and I am having so much fun again. I can feel myself really growing as a person. 

3) I've also started opening up to the idea of dating. I've been hit on by quite a few people in the last couple weeks. But it's so great, I finally feel like I have some power over this part of my life. Power over the way I view it. I've never "gotten" it before. Relationships scare me. So much. I've always felt pressured to be happy and to make them happy and what if I'm settling...so many things. I admit, my family has been in some pretty rough places. But with my new found wisdom, I realize that I don't need to feel bad if a guy likes me and I don't like him back. That might sound funny to some people, but I've always felt like shit when I let a guy down. I don't need to. And some of these guys are really persistent. I'm extremely honest though. I feel like I'm still learning a lot about this and I let them know that I'm not in a place where 

I feel like I could commit to being with someone just yet and that they could do what they will with that but to not expect anything from me except a good friend who wants to enjoy life. 
But also, the reverse advise to myself. I don't need to feel like shit when someone's not into me. It's life. When it's right, it will be right and until then, I don't want to "force" a relationship or force myself to feel something I'm not ready to feel. I've done that and it was miserable and everyone ended up in pain. I feel free right now. When I'm out with someone, I let things happen and when I feel like he's going somewhere I'm uncomfortable with, I let him know. It's been an amazing experience so far. For once in my life, I don't think dating sucks.... I am open for possibilities but I'm also super great with me being alone. I just want to go out and enjoy the world with people. Learn more, evolve more, and be happy.  

Life really is amazing. I've learned so much about myself in the past year. It's all things I already knew, but sometimes we lose track of those things and we need to re-learn them. That's where I'm at right now. 

I feel like I'm in control of my attitude and am able to handle problematic things so much better. I've let a bunch of stress go and it's AWESOME!! Plus, I'm just loving my body and who I am. I'm not talking about being skinny or fit, but being happy in my skin! I realize that it's my choice. I can let things bother me or realize that 90% of what comes at me isn't that big of a deal. It's just a speck in time that after awhile won't even be second thought. 

Breaks - why it's important to keep record

I'm pretty sure that nobody reads this. However, I don't care. I started blogging to keep myself ACCOUNTABLE for my habits and they have gradually started slacking. BUT, not as bad as I originally thought. I got through 2.5 challenges of BodyRock.TV workouts and I learned a lot about myself.

1) Too much exercise without food is bad. I wore out. Started eating healthy but forgot about keeping in some healthy carbs and focused ONLY on proteins... BOTH are needed!! I lost a lot of inches really fast but they came back when I crashed. :(

2) I did the dirty dash 2 weeks ago and had SO much fun. I actually hadn't been running for about 3 years but with the interval workouts I had been doing, it came really easy and I ended up doing the 10k instead of just the 5k. Woo hoo!! 

So point being, doing things you should be doing makes you stronger than you realize! :)

However...

3) I'm not as strong arm wise as I thought. Time to challenge myself a bit more to get a full body strengthening!! I did great going over the first 2 walls but by the third, I tried and my arms said no. Totally used all leg strength (I'm super flexible so I put my legs up and then pull up using them, no upper body at all required).... that's not challenging, it cheating!! But since then I have decided to go across the street to the kids playground and use the monkey bars for pull ups and I'm happy to say, I can do 6 without a break and 10 with a couple rests between... So I am getting better.

4) Everybody needs motivation. I have to do this alone, but that's always been my life. That's why I've decided to blog. I always do things differently, and that's ok. I've got the tools to self motivate. Everyday I need to remind myself that I'm strong, beautiful, and have the ability to light up a room with my smile. I have every reason to be happy. I don't NEED anybody telling me that I can do amazing things. I can and I will. I will succeed. I will make this life beautiful, regardless of who's by my side and who is not.

So I'm on day 10 of the 21 day Boot Camp challenge and am mixing them up with some ZWOW challenges, also on the internet. No time to quit!! Great workouts. Love them. Moving into a new and hopefully better department at work. Focusing on figuring out which eating habits are best for me and my workouts... Of course cooking comes with that (new fun recipes). Learning how to keep my garden green and growing. Enjoying the family a lot more these days.... Will be organizing my home space soon.  There's lots to do. :)

Do it when you don't want to...EXERCISE!!

Today was great. I woke up early and got so many things done. I saved my workout for the end though and that may have been a mistake.

I got up early, had a great breakfast and took the dog for a walk. He wasn't excited like normal though so I was a little worried. Then he wouldn't leave my side. He's either depressed or sick. He has thrown up 3 different nights this week but I thought it was because the baby keeps feeding him. More on that in a minute.

I went grocery shopping at Costco and also at Albertson's. Got healthy food for the week!

Went to my moms, my brother was there so I got to play with my nephew's and niece and after he left, we had a healthy and delicious dinner with my sister and mom. Successful.

Came home and tried to pickup my dog and he yelped as if I had tried to rip off his leg. I wonder whats wrong. I hope it's just a digestive problem but I'm worried. After I tried to pick him up, both back legs were shaking. :(

But on the bright side, I did get my workout in. Felt sick the whole time but I did it. I ate a healthy amount of food and there was about 75 minutes between eating and working out so I wonder what's wrong with me. I'm glad I got through it though. Wasn't my best but it's over and tomorrow is a new day!

Today's motivation:

One challenge down! More to come

Yay! Earlier this week I finished the bodyrock.tv.com 30 Day Real Time Challenge. IT FELT AWESOME! I wanted to blog about it the day I finished because honestly, I haven't had a goal to work towards other than making it through each day for quite sometime. It was a beautiful feeling. And although my MCL is still really sore, it felt great the day I did my last work out. I took care of my knee by doing older videos and instead of working on a quicker pace with good movements worked on quality movements and it killed me!! I was sweating so much more. Its hard work!! But then the last day challenge, day 30, that was a killer workout and I did and my knee felt so great! That's the way to do it.

Its funny. I find my self sad to be done with that challenge. Now that it's over, it felt like it went so fast.

But I was talking to my sister-in-law, Jamie, and it turns out they did the 30 Day Catching Fire Challenge. WHAT??? So that's my next move. But it's funny, it's only 12-15 minutes of a workout and has two trainers and they do it TOTALLY different from what I was doing. I love the 40-50 minute workouts and I love Lisa who was doing this challenge. She's amazing!!! Half way through, I get so revved up and she really does push you. I feel like I know her. She sings and goes off on these absolutely funny things and she's just so great. These other workouts go really fast so I did the first one today but I was trying to get down the movements and didn't feel like the first set was all that...physical. More mental. But then I restarted it and got it down and it was hard.  I decided because I miss Lisa and took off a couple days extra this week to reboot my body and mind to also do the 15 minute 21-day Boot Camp Challenge. I think that's going to be good for me. I'm used to the longer workouts but I'm also changing it up a bit with the other challenge so on certain days I'll do both. I'm excited.

I've gone through 30 days and I'm seeing HUGE changes both in my body and my mind. For anybody to quit after 1 or 2 weeks of working for this would be CRAZY!! Seriously, week 3 & 4 were awesome. Today my pants are loose, my skin is getting tighter and my muscles are saying hello!

I still need to work on my diet... That's always been my problem. I grew up eating bacon cheeseburgers, french fries, onion rings, pizza and chinese food. Oh, and can't forget the super fast mac n cheese. I don't get tired of eating those things. But I have noticed that because I'm eating so much more healthier food and really making the effort to be conscious of what goes in my stomach and how often that I'm getting sick off the bad foods. My body tells me it doesn't want it now. My poor taste buds really fight for it though. The other day I would've killed for a cheeseburger from Astro Burger. Instead I ate grilled chicken breast and a spoonful of peanut butter with an apple. MMMMM... I've decided to compromise though. Everything is ok in moderation. So if I eat healthy, get my workouts in and drink the amount of water I need and STILL have insane cravings after a day of doing everything I can, I will get a small portion of what I used to eat. Like kids size portions!! But I have to have a bottle of water and something super healthy with it - like a salad. I mean lets face it, giving up carbonation for me (DR PEPPER, I LOVE YOU) was hard. I see people drinking these beautiful dark drinks and I can taste the Dr Pepper. I've had 1 in 3 weeks. That's amazing!

I'm going to make this the best year ever. Positive thinking! Positive action! I'm getting stronger, healthier and happier. I just need to keep going! I love seeing the Body Rockers that put their pics up, especially when they've gone for more than 60 days. After 30 days there are changes that you can definitely see but more than 60 days, those changes become big when you don't quit. I'm excited for when I get to post my "progress pics". I keep that in mind when I start to get tired or need motivation or if I'm not seeing the changes because I get used to what I look like NOW. In the next 30 days - I will have gone for 2 months and I'm going to post a 30-60 day pic and then in 90 days! HELLO!!! I think I can be patient for the body I'm building in 90 days. I can do this. Anybody can.

Find your motivation

I got down to day 30 of the Body Rock 30 Day Real Time Challenge but have yet to do it. I re-tweaked my knee on Friday. It was having some bad days before but nothing like this.

I find myself sitting wrong at work because the chair is too low but I hit my knee on the desk if I put up where it's supposed to be.  Like literally, I've hit it maybe 6 times a day... so instead I over extend my MCL by sitting with my feet under my chair and it's putting so much pressure on my knee. It's been a problem since my days doing Taekwondo. I injured my ACL and I would just keep going without letting it heal.

When I started running, I'd over-compensate for my ACL and that's when my MCL started hurting, but even worse than my ACL injury. It's really bad when I try to go down something like stairs or when I hike down from the mountains. Going up is fine. Usually if I can get some squats in, it helps to strengthen it. This time I learned! I'm not going to push it, but I'm going to strengthen/stretch/ice and rest it so it can heal.

But it is so frustrating when you want to accomplish a goal and something like this happens. Plus I wanted to start running this weekend to get ready for the dirty dash and to be able to get a better focus that comes with running. Luckily it rained all day yesterday so I didn't feel too bad that re-injuring my knee didn't keep me from running, the rain did!

Not only did I feel frustrated from my knee but on Friday I got hit with some news that made me so angry, I just felt like I wanted to punch someone! Those are my favorite workout days because I get so much energy that I just go and go and at the end I feel like a million bucks. I also get focused!

My sister was in a really bad car accident last Wednesday. She lives in Tennessee. I don't hear from them very often but I practically raised her two kids. Her daughter, Chae, is my mini me. Her personality is me. I admit it, EVERYONE has a hard time with her because she's...well, she's me. She has all this energy and creative spirit and she thinks different from other people. Like me. Its hard to harness that and be productive. People want to put you on medicine that makes you something else. She needs to learn how to use all that energy and do things that makes her happy. Anyway, I'm getting side tracked. They were t-boned Wednesday night and it hit so hard that the DVD player that was attached to the seat in front of her detached itself and flew into her face. The hook went through her mouth and got lodged in but it didn't stop it from moving through her face up to her forehead, cut it right open...  Needless to say, she needed plastic surgery and has countless stitches both outside and inside her face...

The part that makes me so angry is that I found out Friday at 3:30 PM by facebook, while I was at work... Because apparently their army friends were concerned. This is what I see:
For anyone who has been trying to reach me over the last two days, I have been offline. I was in a car accident late Wednesday night. Everyone is ok, but Chaelynn has some deep lacerations to her face and we were sent to Vanderbilt to have a Plastic Surgeon stitch her up. We were released last night at 8:30 pm. Chaelynn is doing very well and she should be mostly healed by next week with very little scarring.

Well ok then. I see that I am a very important part of their lives. And guess what, nobody else in my family was notified. Not my mom, dad or my other sister who helped raise her kids and watched them while she was offshore in the army. NOTHING. I feel like I'm just a shell, not a person when I think about my family sometimes. I'm so happy they are fine but I'm so hurt that they don't care enough about me to actually talk to me. And maybe this is why I won't let myself be happy with relationships. I'm always ready for the let down.

Anyway, on to positive things. So I tried to workout Friday night but Day 30 looks like it's going to be really tough so I turned it off and instead iced my knee that night. Then Saturday I tried again but it's still hurting really bad. I also feel like the weights have become really easy so since I couldn't work out, I went shopping! I had 3 gift cards from a couple of Christmases ago so I got this beauty!!


 I was so inspired I had to workout. I did day 25 again. It's not as much jumping and because I know I've already done it, I just down-sized my movements a bit. It was awesome. The bar gave me a totally different core workout and I totally feel it through my whole body. Plus I really had to focus on how I was moving my legs so as to not agitate my knee. It was a challenge and I loved it!

Today I did day 26 again and my knee feels so much better. I didn't do as much jumping again but instead focused ONLY on the muscles, not so much cardio. It was AMAZING!! I was dripping sweat. I kept thinking about this:

My sister also said she saw something that said, 'sweat is fat crying". I like it!

Point of today's blog. Don't let things get you down that you can't control. The way we handle the situation is what we can control. I think it's going to be a great week! I get to end my 30 Day Real Time Challenge and start a new one while strengthening my body. I'm super excited. I'm also refocused on getting my diet in check. New goals!! So excited.

Day #25 - Real Time 30 Day Challenge (+playlist)

THOUGHTS FOR A WEEKEND

BodyRock.Tv.Com - Day 25 of the Real Time 30 Day Challenge is done!

I'm loving this. I feel like it's cleaning out all the shit that my body is holding on too. No matter how bad I feel in a day, if I get up and force myself to do the full workout then I feel so good when it's over. I might not go at full speed but it doesn't matter. I feel great when it's done. It's awesome.

I can't believe this challenge is almost over. I have a couple more days and then I'll do the 21 Day Challenge. I need to get heavier weights though. MOST DEFINITELY.

Its such an investment if you think about it. Doing something so wonderful for you mental and physical being. I don't think I'd make it through this year if I wasn't challenged by my sister-in-law to do it.  The last 3 years have been hell. Lots of ups and downs. Before that I was running and helping my friend lose 100 lbs. We started training for all sorts of races - 5ks, halves and full marathons, obstacle races (just me), just anything! Then the people I'd run with got married and started having kids and they dropped me. It happened really fast. I didn't feel motivated to do anything. I went into a hole. I hated my job, started gaining weight, got into financial trouble and didn't care. I'd buy so much crap that I never used. It was ridiculous.

I started hanging out with people that were the exact opposite of my old friends. I'd make out with random guys but never give them a chance after. I still kind of have a problem where I don't want to give people a chance. I think I've protected my heart. But I met several guys in the last 3 years that were so far from good for me and it's messed me up more. Not because I liked them but because I kept them around just to have someone around. And then they'd move on and I didn't feel like a person. Weird?

But last November, I met someone and I thought he was legit. We had immediate chemistry. But I found out just before our first date that he had just got divorced (like signed the papers the day of our date). Red flag!! But he seemed to be handling it ok. I saw him a couple times in December and it was awesome.... Until New Years. That was the first sign of there being a problem with him. But throughout January we hung out a lot. Then came February. I felt like it was up and down for him. I didn't hear much from him but when I saw him, he'd tell me one thing but do another thing. It's been rough. I haven't really talked to him much since then but the last time I saw him he said he was so into me and he was frustrated because his head was such a mess. I think it's best that I leave him alone and try to numb...me. Just focus on getting myself strong and healthy and let the pieces fall where they will.

He's pretty much already taken himself out of my life but the problem lies in his address. He lives right across the street from one of my closest friends. I only have two. :(  So I love going to her house. Its like a release from the real world. We just hang out and talk, sometimes have a fire. They have a man cave in the garage and they put a pole in there. WHAT?? It's just fun.

Well I was there last week and he sent me a text to let me know he knew I was there. I asked if he was going to come say hello and nothing. I got a little frustrated. 3 hours later I sent him a text to say that I hope he was having a great night and he text back right away and said "You too!". WTH?? So yeah, now I get anxious when I go to my friends because I don't want to see him. From my past experience with this type of situation, I know I'm not disciplined enough to say no if he does come around and becomes "friendly". I like having a guy in my life to snuggle with and to be honest, I love kissing and touching and all that crap.  I don't want him in my life but I'm not a person who is mean either so if he comes around, we will talk. I can't ignore someone. It's not me.

This is why I'm working out. To get my life centered, to give me inner strength and to keep my self occupied with good things. It helps me eat healthier and handle stress. It helps me see clearer and be more patient. And eventually I know that it will all work out. He'll either disappear completely or become something else. I don't know what but right now, it doesn't matter. He's not really my friend, he's just a guy I'm attracted to. I just need to stay focused.

I'm losing weight, I'm feeling great and this is starting to look like a good year for me. I am becoming more disciplined. These are all good things. And I'm running and obstacle race with some amazing girls. I don't think we'll really "run" the race but I've done this race a few times and it's not one I'm wanting to run. We're going to have fun! Good things are happening. I need to remember that and be grateful that this is already my best year in 4 or 5 years. YES! More good things will come. I know it will.


TO MYSELF: STAY FOCUSED! BE GRATEFUL! WATCH FOR THE GOOD THINGS.

Sometimes you have to have fun... Then get back to work!

Day 18...FINISHED!! This was an awesome workout. So great. If anyone wants to do it, go to Bodyrock.tv.com or to https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdLzQAslwOS7dTmPGigl_1Ju6C0I3y-6T
Because it will kick your butt. Literally.

I admit, Thursday and Friday I missed my workout due to... other activities... that might not have been so healthy but were fun all the same...

Thursday my co-worker and I took some clients to work. Yep, it was AMAZING but not healthy food. I found out my body doesn't like me to eat unhealthy any more. 2 weeks was all it took to dislike unhealthy food. So I hardly ate my dinner but had this incredible drink they call a double duckie. Let's just say, you are limited to having only 1. After dinner I met up with a friend and went salsa dancing... Until 1:30 in the AM... My poor toes.. Friday morning, this was my facebook status: Forced myself out of bed this morning, forced myself to take a shower... sat for awhile and then said to myself... 'crap, now I gotta microwave my hair'. So glad I didn't.

Then Friday I went and played in my co-workers "man cave" which is their garage. There was also a fire outside. MMM... Love the fire. Stayed until after 1 AM and didn't have dinner before going... Yeah, not so healthy again... Plus I was saddened by a guy friend who doesn't seem to care if I exist and I was mean to him because of it.... I didn't feel great when I got home.

Saturday I slept in forever, skipping breakfast and lunch. Got out of bed, worked out, ate something, took a shower and then....On to a hot tub party. Didn't eat much but there were 15 people trying to get in one normal sized hot tub so you know it's a party! Again a late night. But I did workout before going to this party. So that counts for something.... Right?

Anyway, by the time Sunday roles around I'm totally dehydrated. I felt drained and tired emotionally and physically and to be honest, forgot to eat on Sunday as well so that made it even worse. I just didn't want to get out of bed. This morning was the same. I didn't want to get dressed, take a shower or anything. I just wanted to lay in bed. Not even sleep. Just lay there...thoughtless... But I force myself to go to work and I'm doing what I'm supposed to do but nothing more. Really, I've always given 150% at work but there is so much drama and crap going on. I exerted the energy that was required of me and nothing more and I didn't care. I was not going to wear myself out for a place that is feeding negative energy to it's employees by having them back stab each other. It was actually pretty gratifying. I did everything I was supposed to but without the stress.

By the time work is over, I'm ready for a workout!

Did I mention how awesome day 18 was? I was doing things I never thought I could do. My push ups felt awesome. I actually felt bad for Lisa, the instructor, and kept trying to help her because she was struggling. I'm ready to go again! But the next 3 days are rest days so I'm thinking I'll actually do workout 11 again and then 18 the next day and then jump into day 22. I've already had a couple of rest days and I'm so excited to get back into this. It makes me feel like I'm releasing so much crap that's been holding me down. I love it so much. I feel hopeful and focused. It's such a beautiful thing. I can't get enough. I am glad for my temporary bad day on Friday and my blah day on Sunday. I realize how great this feels because of it.

Don't give up!

And day 15 of BodyRocktv.com 30 day challenge complete. I'm half way done with this challenge. I will admit, I turned it off after 15 minutes into the video. Then I restarted it, got to 40 minutes and had to refocus again. But hey, I DID IT. There was no quitting. I even did the bonus abs in the end. When that voice comes into your head and says "you can't", go into BEAST MODE and say, "Bull"... Now I'm exhausted but super happy this is done. I feel like my brain is finally able to shut off for a minute and I can seriously rest.

*sigh of relief*

Technicalities

So day 13 and 14 on Body Rock is supposed to be rest days but because I rested last week when I wasn't supposed to, I figured I'd only rest on day 13 and skip 14's rest. Big mistake.

Starting off with a whine session is bad but it's how I'm feeling so deal with it. Plus, you don't have to read any further. But I always end it on a positive note. Just wait, you'll see...

Work seems to drain me. And being sick makes it worse. I walk in yesterday to find out my co-worker went to the doctor and she had an ear infection along with a throat full of puss. I know the germs making me feel gross started in my throat but are now resting there and in my sinuses and occasionally bother my ears. We started a new project with my main account at work and with how stressful my job is without that, I just don't have time to be sick but I hate doctors! They look at me and tell me I'm fine without really testing for anything.

But AFTER each workout this weekend, I would feel better. My body rests better and I can breath better for a while and I have the feel good natural endorphin's. It was awesome.

Well I didn't work out yesterday and I came home and slept. Couldn't breath. Had a headache. The tension from work just made me sooo tired.  I woke up today and felt worse. We don't have any air flow at work. No windows. We're in the second floor in a cramped space. Everyone is sick. Everyone is short tempered. Everyone is mean. I just want to sit in a corner and cry. I don't want to be there. I don't want people talking to me.

So I decided to do workout 15 today. They changed it up. It's so much more cardio and longer weight intervals. I got 1/4 of the way through and started crying. I don't feel like I can do this today. My head is saying no and my body isn't going to do it without me telling it to... I'm anxious, I still can't breath and I'm repeating things that people said to me today at work. I keep saying to myself that today is bad and tomorrow is fine. Its a day were giving up would be ok because it's supposed to be a rest day anyway. I'm still sick. My head is pounding. I don't want to be anywhere but invisible.

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO GIVE UP. I'm writing this to get my head in the right place. If I make myself invisible when I feel like this, then I have a chance of becoming invisible to myself too. I let those things that are bothering me conquer me. I choose how things affect me and today, I'm going to really push through it. I will let you know in a little over an hour how I do. But today is not the day I loose. Today I conquer myself! And yes, I'm still taking care of my body... drinking water, eating healthy, taking vitamins and resting to get over my sickness. I'm not pushing the workouts, I'm just doing them. And for 1 hour, I can also get my mind in the right place... And that's what I'm choosing to do now. BAM!

Day 12 thoughts

Did it! Day 12 is in the bag. I'm dripping sweat and feeling great. Yes, I might be coughing and sneezing and my nose keeps getting plugged which makes my ears pop...but while I'm working out, I imagine the sickness pouring out of me and I end up feeling better. I'm going to admit, there was one exercise where I had a 15 lb kettle bell over my head and I had to do a forward lunge into a backward lunge without the lunging leg touching in the middle and I did so good on one side and then on the other I fell sideways. I was laughing so hard that I couldn't get the rest of that leg done (it was in the end anyway) and missed my skips but it was awesome. Even though today was legs and butt, my arms are killing me as I'm typing this and I absolutely love it.

Today's point: there is no quitting in this life. Things will come up to get us down but we just need to push through them. The end result will always be better. Sometimes bad things happen so that we have to grow, so we can know ourselves in the weakest and darkest moments. It's when we face them and surpass them that we truly know who we are and then we can grow as a person and can be ready for the good things that are coming. We can't wait for them, we have to find them. Get over the bad and move on!! If not, our eyes won't see the best parts of this world because we're keeping ourselves in the dark.


Time to drink my fluids and rest because I don't want to be sick. I want to keep going forward. I'm going to take care of my body so that I can do anything this world has to offer me. I'm going to take care of my mind so I can over come anything this world throws at me. I choose to be happy! I choose to be successful.

Changes

So I started working out! And I'm excited. Jamie and Kristy (my sister-in-laws) have been doing a 30 day challenge "BODY ROCK" and when I visited Jamie in Colorado, she challenged me to do it too. I've been posting status updates on facebook after almost every workout because it helps me feel like I'm being accountable for staying with it. Might be funny posting after each workout but I did try it and when I posted, I got excited for the next day and when I didn't post, I wasn't as driven.

I did 5 days consistently. Then I went on a weekend vacation and it threw me off. So I started over and kept posting. I think I'm overwhelming my facebook though and I think it's better suited for a blog so...Here we go! I've made a goal to share my work out thoughts and feelings on this poor public piece of social media. Nobody really reads this blog anyway so it's perfect. I can put my thoughts, my successes and my failures on here and when I'm all done, I can read them and become better.

Also, maybe it can help me with food. I struggle on a healthy diet. :(  I think this week I was purposely sabotaged too. My mom made funeral potatoes, someone brought in pizza to work, we started this HUGE consolidation project for MY customer and I'm in charge of it while still handling all the other things I'm supposed to do and we were two people short so the stress is getting to me. And I'm a stress eater. But other than some stress eating, I did good considering how much I used to eat.

Anyway, to get to the real story of this post...I started working out really more than 11 days ago, stopped at day 5, started over and have been 11 days faithful! I did day 10 twice though because I think I'm getting or have had strep (thanks to Stephanie from work for sharing your germs) and day 10 is shorter and I am driven to stay up with this challenge... Which is AWESOME! I did day 11 even though I'm sick and a little bit worried that maybe my body needs to rest but at the end I felt like I conquered such a huge mountain. I just need to drink TONS of liquids and not push myself any more today. REST.

It's been an amazing ride so far. There have been times when I've been fighting my emotions, almost afraid to be me because they have been so off. When I started, I seriously was starting to forget who I am... I would almost cry 15-20 times at work. I felt so stressed and upset at everything. My attitude stunk. So I started working out and changed my diet. First week: still come home upset, beat up and broken.  Flustered by everything. I didn't want to work out. I felt physically and mentally drained. But I made a commitment. So I'd work out so hard and through the whole routine, I'd be cussing Lisa and wondering if I could finish the whole thing. Afterwards, I'd be so thrilled with myself  because I didn't hide under my bed (mentally I could see myself doing that) or stuff myself with a beautiful bacon cheeseburger and a Dr Pepper while watching The Voice or Once Upon A Time which is what I would've loved to have done but I wouldn't have felt any better after. I worked out and I worked out HARD.  I'd have this amazing rush because of what I mentally and physically accomplished. After day 3, I could feel my muscles changing. And I wasn't bloated because I was eating so much better. I was elated! Plus, I saw a big physical change from day 1 to day 7.

Today I don't feel like I've had much change from day 7-11 which is somewhat disappointing because in my head I could see myself being what I had been when I used to run. But not to see a change in a couple of days should be normal, especially the 2nd week. This is where my body is going to fight because it doesn't want change. It's being stressed and it wants to rest. Plus, I did get sabotaged food wise. My determination wavered a couple of times. We got to remember: It takes time to change your life and make it a habit. Just keep getting up when you fall and keep moving!!

So the small victories this week are the most important for me.
- Considering what I used to eat, the damage could've been 4x's worse which is a big deal. I love food.... And I did eat smaller portions of the bad things and there wasn't much of it!! I did eat a salad on a day when I was craving Astro Burger which would've had bacon. That's a huge success.
- I had ZERO Dr Pepper's this week even though I had to go out with a client and the meal was free... Oh how I miss you my delightful 23 flavors...
- I worked out even when I didn't want to and even while being sick. I even got up at 4:45 AM to do so. YES!!
- I feel my muscles and emotions getting stronger from the inside. The outside is soon to follow!
- I can do push-ups where as before I struggled to get more than 3 out ON MY KNEES and even they looked awful!! My form is becoming one of strength.
- I just feel better. I know I'm doing something so great for my health and it makes me so happy. My long term goal really isn't to look a certain way but to feel a certain way. I'm excited the physical changes will be there, don't get me wrong. Everyone wants to be their best self. But when you start to lose the person you know you can be and you don't care that it's happening... That's scary. I'm excited because I know when I do accomplish this goal, I will be a different person in more than one way. I'm building strength from the inside out but at the same time confidence from the outside in.  And that's worth fighting for.