Tuesday, December 1, 2015

The question that gets me everytime... WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?

Have you ever noticed, everyone who knows you thinks they "know you" better than yourself? I get the Mad Hatter. I envy the Mad Hatter...

Saturday, June 6, 2015

Cheers to NEW BEGINNINGS - the truth behind starting fresh...

I love to exercise. I do. It's been a love of mine since I can remember. I'd watch channel 11, right after Sesame Street and Today's Special and watch the exercise show. The ladies with the big hair and bright head bands, with their leotards and tights/leg warmers. They were my hero's. They made exercising look fun. 

But at a young age, I didn't really need a recovery period after I worked out. I didn't have to worry about the food I was putting in my body to help it recover and stretching was ridiculous to me because none of the stretches were hard but I was so excited that I got to do what they were doing and that it was in fact fun!  I would do several of my mom's work out videos (including Jane Fonda and Sweatin To The Oldies) and it was never enough! I miss those days. 

To be honest, I have grown to be afraid of the recovery period. As I got older and there was an increasing amount of things to balance into my life, I'd have to really WORK to workout... I'd get so excited to start a workout program but that excitement would last for a limited time because...recovery period. I'd realize on my off days that I really like to sleep in... That I miss the good food.  And it's nice to not have to get dressed for a workout, shower, then get dressed again for work, then get dressed again to go out. Dressing becomes such a chore!  The laundry builds up faster... and I have to make sure I'm eating proper food to help my body fuel 
 and recover... And then try to sleep so my body can perform the way it should. It's a tough world! 

But then the reality hits that working out and eating healthy makes you feel sooo good. You look good in clothes you didn't think you could wear, you are so strong, you start living life with a new found upbeat confidence and there's so much stress relief. And then you realize that you need the workouts so that you don't end up a serial killer. It becomes an obsession...And that's when the recovery days are actually the HARDEST to do... For me a part of it was because there's always that though that maybe I won't be able to jump back in the next workout and a part of it was that I really didn't want to become a serial killer. That was a real concern. 

But I got injured after I was put on a medicine that affects the joints and bones... then had a ton of crap happen at home and I actually didn't feel safe working out there. I couldn't get my head into running place and didn't have the funds to join a gym. I didn't really have a ton of people I could turn to... It was really sad. It felt like I was in the wrong place and it didn't feel like I had much of a life to care about. It sounds pathetic but that's just how I felt. 

So I had an opportunity to move from Utah to Texas and I jumped on it!! I feel renewed. I have made a couple of friends. I went out on my "first night out on the town" and had so much fun. I made a discovery.
Sometimes a person needs a recovery period in their life!
It's so true!!!  It wasn't until I completely stopped EVERYTHING I've been doing and looked at the world again that I started healing.
 I've been here for 3 weeks, I have a lot going on right now. I just moved to a different state and trying to open a new office for my employer. I've been hit with so many problems with my job here... I'm struggling with my insurance company to have things transferred to Texas. I can't register my car until I have that! I have no furniture!! I have completely used up my savings to get here and get re-started. There were two weeks of horrific storms - tornado watches, flooding, rain and lightening. It made it look like I had installed a strobe light in my room. My roof on my car leaked twice... And yet, I took that time to just be... I enjoyed the storms I saw on my patio or through my living room window. They were scary but beautiful. I cleaned up the car and didn't let it bother me because I don't want to waste any time enjoying life. I was afraid of the flooding but I can't control that... So even though there was MAJOR flooding everywhere around my home, I wasn't too worried. I already just upped and moved everything so I honestly know I could rebuild if I had to. I made it through the storms with a pretty great attitude which shocked myself!  

I'm so refreshed!! I am ready to workout again. I am ready to meet new people and bring on new challenges. I'm excited to grow and to not look back! Sometimes, as a human being, I really need to just stop and breath and refocus. Why is that so hard? There is nothing that is going to make the world stop throwing chaos around. It's EVERYWHERE... So I either need to relocate my life every time I can't handle it (which is very expensive and not recommended), or figure out who I am and learn to make that work for me. I need to enjoy this life because it  
is the only one I've got. And I feel like I am in the right place to do that. I look around and see so much opportunity. 
I have concerns, of course. 
Financially I have to rebuild from scratch. But I have a roof over my head and so many people praying and supporting me from a distance and that is awesome. 
I'm worried my job won't work out... So many things are happening. It's a new experience, we're trying to build something great but there are many people involved that don't see eye to eye. It's going to be very dramatic every day. There are so many directions its already going. But I will do my best to be supportive to my new boss. I will do everything I can to make this work. And I know that I have been empowered to change MY position with the company should I desire. That's important to remember. Nobody has to do anything they don't want to. You can change what happens in your life so that it becomes amazing!! 
I'm about to start my old workout program again. SOOOO excited!! I'm taking it at my own pace though. I get so competitive and sometimes rush a work out or rush myself! I lose focus quickly. I get burned out easily. I don't eat enough to really help my body (I have a fast metabolism). I compare myself to the people throwing before and after pics or who actually put the program together. But this is going to be a new me. I'm going to become strong Inside and out. I'm going to put reminders everywhere what my specific goals are. To work on my MIND by focusing on my BODIES movements and needs. There is a balance in all things. I've got a strong body. It's got it's problems but it works and it's amazing. So I'm going to make it work better!

*"God gave us the gift of feelings, and feelings are good. But feelings should simply be indicators-- but never dictators-- of how we react to our situations."* -- Lysa Turkeurst
And this one is on here for the sole reason that I love it... I LOVE TO LAUGH AND FEEL GREAT! So this one is for that purpose alone.  

Thursday, May 21, 2015

For Real

Funny thing, life is... I read my last post about starting fresh a having a clean slate and I find myself laughing at the irony... I mean I really needed a new life when I wrote that and....Behold! I am in a new state. For real, a new state meaning location and not just a state of mind. It turns out that last February, I had an offer to move to Spokane, WA but my current company didn't want me to go. So they offered me Texas. And here I am. I've been here for 11 days and have enjoyed 11 days of threatening flash flooding as well as 2 nights of tornado watches (they all passed around my area). I've been LOVING it here until... Dun dun dun...The biggest threat I am actually facing is West Nile Virus.

I guess DFW has had 5-6 years of drought and then I get here and it's the opposite! Which is bringing on the biggest case of MOSQUITO infestation. So I drown myself in bug repellent and does it work? NO! My first set of bites were 6 on my left leg 3 days ago. Still there and still itchy. Then I only got 2 on my arms and they didn't really itch that bad but on the same day (which was 2 days ago), one got me right on the rib cage where my beautiful bra rests. It's S W O L L E N... So I today I cake on the bug spray and go for a 2 mile walk with my dog and wouldn't you know it, I'm itching like crazy... I feel a bump under my shirt so I take it off and around the area where "bug bite rib cage" is, there's 5 more little bites but my whole back is already swollen. WTF?? I seriously caked on the bug spray, there should only be the one bite. Time to die mosquitoes. If I'm going down, I'll take as many as you with me as I can. Yes, you might breed one million times faster than me, but I'm still going to try to fight. Actually, I'm not breeding at all but that's a different story and probably not going to happen.

Other than the bites, I'm loving Texas.The people are soooo nice and I feel refreshed with life. I haven't been able to get into the office yet, it's not going to be ready for another week, so I'm trying to work from home and it is so HARD. I can't stay focused and I want to get everything done at once. This includes all the work I need to do to be ready for a new office and also all the organizing that my home requires. Unfortunately, the two do not mix. But I do love the physical work that moving requires. And next week we'll be moving furniture into the new office so more physical work and closer to having a separated personal space from my work space which makes me excited!

I do wish I knew where to meet people here. I've gone grocery shopping for a week (Walmart, Target and the Home Depot) and while everyone is crazy nice, it's not the same as meeting people to actually do things with. My apartment complex is amazing. It's huge! And I swear everyone has at least one dog here. I meet a lot of people walking their dogs and always hope I'll re-run into them but so far, no go. It's a sad thing. If it didn't cost so much to move out of state, I'd join yoga or zumba somewhere or sign up for an arts class. But unfortunately, I'm going to be financially handicapped for a good couple of months.

But it's okay because honestly, I was suffocating in my world back home. I felt like I was barely alive. I felt like nobody could see me and I had lost myself. There are always times in your life when you have a clear view of who you are. Interaction with people define, circumstances in life build you, and sometimes you just grow without anyone else's influence but because something just clicks inside. But then sometimes the reverse happens. Same experiences, but different reactions...and it's like a cloud covers your view and fills your insides... Sometimes it happens so slowly that you don't realize its happened until you wake up one day and it's just there. I've tried to fight it for so long. Now I have a chance at a second life, I can make anything happen and I can be anyone I want. I need to be creative and optimistic. That's who I am supposed to be. I can stand on my own. But I need to create a actual life instead of just breathing through this one. This is my Eat, Love, Pray moment. Here is where I find myself. Here is where I find something to be passionate about. I'm excited for this opportunity.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Starting Fresh? Or maybe not.

So can I be honest? I think I can because I don't really know why I couldn't. Life sometimes SUCKS! It really does. It's a new year. There should be an excitement that comes with that. We're starting over - fresh even. Last years mistakes are learning experiences...and we can get excited for new learning experiences...with better expectations...because we're wiser... and... blah blah blah....
Yeah, I'm not feeling it. I don't know why either. I did so awesome at the end of last year. I had amazing work-outs (huge results) and was eating right and being positive, I wasn't letting many things that were out of my control affect my attitude...so this year should start off great, right?? I should be really proud of myself. But I feel drained and old. How does that happen?? It came on over night, it really did. I woke up and was like, "nah, life can suck it". Here comes some venting.... It's more to put my thoughts in order.

It could be because I got onto a medication and the doctor told me a side effect is bone density loss. Not cool, but I don't usually have side effect problems so I didn't think it'd be a huge issue. He told me to up my vitamin d and calcium intake which I did. It's been SO hard on my stomach and I think my bones are rebelling. I get a shot every 3 months and I'm on my second round and wouldn't you know it, about a month ago my body started aching something FIERCE. I feel like it's deteriorating... And I think this is how arthritis feels like...but everywhere... My heart felt wishes go out to all with arthritis... When I pick up anything over 5 lbs, it feels like my wrists are going to snap. I was lunging a couple weeks ago and I hear this "snap" sound...I go straight to the ground and couldn't put any weight/pressure on it..  It wasn't pretty (me, not the knee). I iced it, there was no swelling or bruising and 2 days later it felt fine - still sore and I have to be super careful with how I step on it... Then, I attempted to do push ups ON MY KNEES the other day and I got a muscle cramp... What is that about??? I feel so pathetic... Is it worth it?? I just don't know. I started taking glucosamine with my vitamins so maybe this will work out. I've been eating really healthy so I should be getting the nutrients from that as well though. Maybe I should up my vitamins even more?? I just don't get why my body would reject my efforts like this. I feel like I'm two people and there's an inner war going on here! Mental vs Physical - who will win?? I want to work out and feel happy!!! Can't we all just get along??? So vent 1 - feeling a bit stressed/drained without being able to use my workouts as a stress reliever and I don't have control over my body... Grrrr..... But, being positive, here's a saying that is true. Hard to remember but it's still true...

Another part of it could be that I'm going to be moving AGAIN and I really hate moving. Stress....stress....stress....stress....stress....But I also hate where I live now so this is good... There's just so much cost involved in the actual process and then there's re-budgeting so you can afford everything (internet, utilities, rent, deposits, etc). I have roommates but I desperately want to go solo... So there's much planning and organizing to be done. And we all know that  no matter how much planning you actually do, so many unexpected things come up. It takes so much time... Plus other people's time... And you're pretty much guaranteed to eat crap for a month because you're packing and unpacking and lifting and moving up stairs, then going down stairs and back up stairs and climbing up trucks and down trucks... and then lifting even more.... AND to add to the stress, the month before is my car registration. And the month before that is taxes. NOOOOO!!! :( It all happens so fast. Needless to say, I'm not handling the stress very well. I'm working a lot of over time to try to prepare for everything but that just makes me more tired and I hate to think it but I'm pretty sure I'm about to get hit with a sinus infection in the next 24 hours. Oh no... So I need to de-stress pronto!!

So now that I finally got all that CRAP out of the way... I'm going to try really hard to turn this terrible attitude of mine around. I don't like feeling this way. Normally I'd have a super amazing workout to get all the negative thinking out and it has always cleared out any congestion when I start getting sick. Such a nice bonus. But I can't do that. So I need to get my minimal and carefully controlled workouts in, take care of how I fuel my body, and change my freakin thought process. *sigh* But in all honesty, when you see all these really thoughtfully positive messages like this one here, do you ever just want to throw darts at them?? Maybe print them out and have a huge and amazing bonfire?  No, no, no! We're going to be positive here... Overwhelmingly positive. Fake it until we make it. I can do this.

So here's what I need to focus on:
2)  I've still been able to keep my healthy diet on track. YAY!!
3)  I'm up for a review so possibly getting a nice fat raise?? *crossing fingers*
4)  My body can get used to the shot and I'll be able to workout like normal - it could happen. And then the benefits of the shot AND my workouts will make my life amazing. I just need...PATIENCE...
5)  My new place could be the most amazing thing ever - a sanctuary even. My current home and housemates SUCK! So this is a very good thing. I just need to STAY FOCUSED so I can live independently. It will be worth it if I can make this happen.
4)  Life is so temporary. Things can suck one day and be great another.
5)  It's in my control on what and how I think!!!

So to stay on track - I need to:
       - Remember to BREATH
       - Focus on happy things.
       - Take the dog on longer walks
       - Write more in my blog (it really is pretty therapeutic)
       - Tell myself everyday that I am an amazing person - full of potential and strength
       - There's always Yoga. Yoga is fun, challenging but easier on the body and is mentally therapeutic. Good things come with Yoga.

Well, it's a start. I'm sure things are going to turn around. Sometimes it just takes a tiny bit of belief. I need to believe everything will be ok and make the things I can't control a tool I can use. Right? I can do that.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Time Flies - Life Lessons in August

It's the end of August. Can you believe it?? It's been such a crazy year. I'm still working out!! Struggling with eating healthy but I'm really trying. I've been sick for 3 weeks and that always makes it hard for me to get the energy to get up and make food. Last month my nephew and niece were here from Tennessee and that threw off my whole budget too. I've been playing catch up for awhile but I've also been super happy!

Today I hit a snag. Energy dropped BIG TIME. So I got dressed in my workout clothes but didn't want to work out.

A friend of mine who has really been working hard on self improvements in his life (including being sober) has just posted an awesome reminder that we are not alone. Because what he wrote is exactly how I feel today!

He wrote:
"Sometimes I get that feeling of being stuck and wanna give up. That's when I take a moment to reflect on where I've been and how much I've accomplished! In that moment it gives me the courage and motivation to get back to focusing on today. In turn I can then look forward to the surprises and accomplishments the future holds. I have to remember though you can't dwell to much on the past nor plan too far into the future. You're not gonna go anywhere unless you are enjoying your life, having fun along the way and living in the now."

So looking back, there were several "accomplishments" I have done.

1) I got hung up on a boy that treated me like crap, not like a person but like something expendable. And I really, really liked him which is a rare thing for me. I had a hard time letting him go. I know he's been going through a lot of shit in his life but I tried to deal with it and probably made excuses for him to act the way he was. But it ate me up pretty rough. I pretended like I didn't care which might have made it worse. I admit that I started exercising as a way to deal with everything bad in my life but also to prove that I could be as pretty as the girls he's been around. I felt alone, stuck in a rut, really unhappy with who I was and what I looked like. I wasn't even fat, just unhappy. The exercising became a form of therapy. I started getting the natural highs that come with it and it's beautiful. Eventually, I did stop caring about his actions.

2) Work sucks! Everyone at work is miserable. And pretty much all my friends are co-workers. There's a few friends not from work but I rarely see them. So I started getting drawn into the drama's of my co-workers, whether it was work related or something in their personal lives. I had nothing else in mine so I borrowed their problems. Some of it was TOO much. I would go over to someone's home completely happy and leave in tears. So I had to turn that off. I realized a lot of their drama reminded me of my past and that I can't hold onto that!! I've dealt with my issues. The exercising gave me a focal point and has helped a lot by keeping me busy and I'd get a rush but after awhile, I started getting worn out and "rutted" because all I was doing was exercising. So I started paying attention to a couple of people on facebook that were working really hard on a "gratitude attitude". It's made a huge difference. I started looking for tons of saying that I wanted to be me. I started taking the good and would shrug off the bad. It's been really amazing!! One day, someone posted something about not needing validation because she's a strong and independent woman and at the time, I didn't feel like that... I was working to get recognized and I wasn't getting it. So that struck a nerve. I want to be able to hold my head up high without anyone giving me approval but myself. For a couple of months, that's all I've been working on. I changed positions at work. I started standing up for myself. When I feel down, I remind myself that I'm beautiful, funny, smart, energetic woman and I don't need anyone telling me that I am. I already know I am. So the same friend who posted that and who's had a huge impact on me wrote the following to me: I'm always grateful for your free spirit, nonjudgmental, crazy self!! Its funny because once again, my view has 

been altered by such a simple statement. I'm always so worried how someone "sees" me. I shouldn't care. I do want people to like me...but I AM a free spirit. I have a damn good time when I stop caring about what other people see in me. I like being different. I like standing out.  I have my own way and it's beautiful and happy. I make people smile. I can lift up other people and NOT be thrown off or under by their sorrows. I've also come to realize, that most of the time I don't know what other people are seeing when they look at me. I always think the worst. That their judging me, looking down on me. But that isn't the case the majority of the time. It turns out, I just need to have confidence in myself. In doing that, I've met a lot more people and I am having so much fun again. I can feel myself really growing as a person. 

3) I've also started opening up to the idea of dating. I've been hit on by quite a few people in the last couple weeks. But it's so great, I finally feel like I have some power over this part of my life. Power over the way I view it. I've never "gotten" it before. Relationships scare me. So much. I've always felt pressured to be happy and to make them happy and what if I'm settling...so many things. I admit, my family has been in some pretty rough places. But with my new found wisdom, I realize that I don't need to feel bad if a guy likes me and I don't like him back. That might sound funny to some people, but I've always felt like shit when I let a guy down. I don't need to. And some of these guys are really persistent. I'm extremely honest though. I feel like I'm still learning a lot about this and I let them know that I'm not in a place where 

I feel like I could commit to being with someone just yet and that they could do what they will with that but to not expect anything from me except a good friend who wants to enjoy life. 
But also, the reverse advise to myself. I don't need to feel like shit when someone's not into me. It's life. When it's right, it will be right and until then, I don't want to "force" a relationship or force myself to feel something I'm not ready to feel. I've done that and it was miserable and everyone ended up in pain. I feel free right now. When I'm out with someone, I let things happen and when I feel like he's going somewhere I'm uncomfortable with, I let him know. It's been an amazing experience so far. For once in my life, I don't think dating sucks.... I am open for possibilities but I'm also super great with me being alone. I just want to go out and enjoy the world with people. Learn more, evolve more, and be happy.  

Life really is amazing. I've learned so much about myself in the past year. It's all things I already knew, but sometimes we lose track of those things and we need to re-learn them. That's where I'm at right now. 

I feel like I'm in control of my attitude and am able to handle problematic things so much better. I've let a bunch of stress go and it's AWESOME!! Plus, I'm just loving my body and who I am. I'm not talking about being skinny or fit, but being happy in my skin! I realize that it's my choice. I can let things bother me or realize that 90% of what comes at me isn't that big of a deal. It's just a speck in time that after awhile won't even be second thought. 

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Breaks - why it's important to keep record

I'm pretty sure that nobody reads this. However, I don't care. I started blogging to keep myself ACCOUNTABLE for my habits and they have gradually started slacking. BUT, not as bad as I originally thought. I got through 2.5 challenges of BodyRock.TV workouts and I learned a lot about myself.

1) Too much exercise without food is bad. I wore out. Started eating healthy but forgot about keeping in some healthy carbs and focused ONLY on proteins... BOTH are needed!! I lost a lot of inches really fast but they came back when I crashed. :(

2) I did the dirty dash 2 weeks ago and had SO much fun. I actually hadn't been running for about 3 years but with the interval workouts I had been doing, it came really easy and I ended up doing the 10k instead of just the 5k. Woo hoo!! 
So point being, doing things you should be doing makes you stronger than you realize! :)
3) I'm not as strong arm wise as I thought. Time to challenge myself a bit more to get a full body strengthening!! I did great going over the first 2 walls but by the third, I tried and my arms said no. Totally used all leg strength (I'm super flexible so I put my legs up and then pull up using them, no upper body at all required).... that's not challenging, it cheating!! But since then I have decided to go across the street to the kids playground and use the monkey bars for pull ups and I'm happy to say, I can do 6 without a break and 10 with a couple rests between... So I am getting better.

4) Everybody needs motivation. I have to do this alone, but that's always been my life. That's why I've decided to blog. I always do things differently, and that's ok. I've got the tools to self motivate. Everyday I need to remind myself that I'm strong, beautiful, and have the ability to light up a room with my smile. I have every reason to be happy. I don't NEED anybody telling me that I can do amazing things. I can and I will. I will succeed. I will make this life beautiful, regardless of who's by my side and who is not.

So I'm on day 10 of the 21 day Boot Camp challenge and am mixing them up with some ZWOW challenges, also on the internet. No time to quit!! Great workouts. Love them. Moving into a new and hopefully better department at work. Focusing on figuring out which eating habits are best for me and my workouts... Of course cooking comes with that (new fun recipes). Learning how to keep my garden green and growing. Enjoying the family a lot more these days.... Will be organizing my home space soon.  There's lots to do. :)

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Do it when you don't want to...EXERCISE!!

Today was great. I woke up early and got so many things done. I saved my workout for the end though and that may have been a mistake.

I got up early, had a great breakfast and took the dog for a walk. He wasn't excited like normal though so I was a little worried. Then he wouldn't leave my side. He's either depressed or sick. He has thrown up 3 different nights this week but I thought it was because the baby keeps feeding him. More on that in a minute.

I went grocery shopping at Costco and also at Albertson's. Got healthy food for the week!

Went to my moms, my brother was there so I got to play with my nephew's and niece and after he left, we had a healthy and delicious dinner with my sister and mom. Successful.

Came home and tried to pickup my dog and he yelped as if I had tried to rip off his leg. I wonder whats wrong. I hope it's just a digestive problem but I'm worried. After I tried to pick him up, both back legs were shaking. :(

But on the bright side, I did get my workout in. Felt sick the whole time but I did it. I ate a healthy amount of food and there was about 75 minutes between eating and working out so I wonder what's wrong with me. I'm glad I got through it though. Wasn't my best but it's over and tomorrow is a new day!

Today's motivation: