I'm loving this. I feel like it's cleaning out all the shit that my body is holding on too. No matter how bad I feel in a day, if I get up and force myself to do the full workout then I feel so good when it's over. I might not go at full speed but it doesn't matter. I feel great when it's done. It's awesome.
I can't believe this challenge is almost over. I have a couple more days and then I'll do the 21 Day Challenge. I need to get heavier weights though. MOST DEFINITELY.
Its such an investment if you think about it. Doing something so wonderful for you mental and physical being. I don't think I'd make it through this year if I wasn't challenged by my sister-in-law to do it. The last 3 years have been hell. Lots of ups and downs. Before that I was running and helping my friend lose 100 lbs. We started training for all sorts of races - 5ks, halves and full marathons, obstacle races (just me), just anything! Then the people I'd run with got married and started having kids and they dropped me. It happened really fast. I didn't feel motivated to do anything. I went into a hole. I hated my job, started gaining weight, got into financial trouble and didn't care. I'd buy so much crap that I never used. It was ridiculous.
I started hanging out with people that were the exact opposite of my old friends. I'd make out with random guys but never give them a chance after. I still kind of have a problem where I don't want to give people a chance. I think I've protected my heart. But I met several guys in the last 3 years that were so far from good for me and it's messed me up more. Not because I liked them but because I kept them around just to have someone around. And then they'd move on and I didn't feel like a person. Weird?
But last November, I met someone and I thought he was legit. We had immediate chemistry. But I found out just before our first date that he had just got divorced (like signed the papers the day of our date). Red flag!! But he seemed to be handling it ok. I saw him a couple times in December and it was awesome.... Until New Years. That was the first sign of there being a problem with him. But throughout January we hung out a lot. Then came February. I felt like it was up and down for him. I didn't hear much from him but when I saw him, he'd tell me one thing but do another thing. It's been rough. I haven't really talked to him much since then but the last time I saw him he said he was so into me and he was frustrated because his head was such a mess. I think it's best that I leave him alone and try to numb...me. Just focus on getting myself strong and healthy and let the pieces fall where they will.
He's pretty much already taken himself out of my life but the problem lies in his address. He lives right across the street from one of my closest friends. I only have two. :( So I love going to her house. Its like a release from the real world. We just hang out and talk, sometimes have a fire. They have a man cave in the garage and they put a pole in there. WHAT?? It's just fun.
Well I was there last week and he sent me a text to let me know he knew I was there. I asked if he was going to come say hello and nothing. I got a little frustrated. 3 hours later I sent him a text to say that I hope he was having a great night and he text back right away and said "You too!". WTH?? So yeah, now I get anxious when I go to my friends because I don't want to see him. From my past experience with this type of situation, I know I'm not disciplined enough to say no if he does come around and becomes "friendly". I like having a guy in my life to snuggle with and to be honest, I love kissing and touching and all that crap. I don't want him in my life but I'm not a person who is mean either so if he comes around, we will talk. I can't ignore someone. It's not me.
This is why I'm working out. To get my life centered, to give me inner strength and to keep my self occupied with good things. It helps me eat healthier and handle stress. It helps me see clearer and be more patient. And eventually I know that it will all work out. He'll either disappear completely or become something else. I don't know what but right now, it doesn't matter. He's not really my friend, he's just a guy I'm attracted to. I just need to stay focused.
I'm losing weight, I'm feeling great and this is starting to look like a good year for me. I am becoming more disciplined. These are all good things. And I'm running and obstacle race with some amazing girls. I don't think we'll really "run" the race but I've done this race a few times and it's not one I'm wanting to run. We're going to have fun! Good things are happening. I need to remember that and be grateful that this is already my best year in 4 or 5 years. YES! More good things will come. I know it will.
TO MYSELF: STAY FOCUSED! BE GRATEFUL! WATCH FOR THE GOOD THINGS.
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